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ライティング・コースの講師紹介の項で、リナ・ダン博士(Dr. Lynna Dunn)、いかにちまたの英作文講師と格において段違いであるかについて述べました。
このページでは、それの証拠をお見せします。極端なやり方ですが、他の英作文講師が模範解答としてあげている英文をあえてダン博士に斬ってもらいます。
ちなみに、これは英語学習を専門にしている某有名大手出版社が、そのウェブサイト上で公開で行っているTOEFLエッセー添削教室の一環として、その先生ご自身による「模範エッセー」として掲載しているものです。
なお、このページの目的はダン博士の能力の高さを分かりやすい形で示すことにあります。ライティング・コースそのものは、このような高いレベルでのライティングを前提にはしていません（もちろん、受講者の方のレベルが高ければ、それも可能ではあります）。ご注意ください。
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? A large university is better than a small college. Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.
以下が模範エッセーとして掲載されているものです。ただし、本質的内容に関わらない部分で小さな変更をしています。
これを後でダン博士が斬ります。
I strongly agree with the opinion that a large university is better than a small college
The major reason for my belief is that a large university is more international than a small college. To make it clear, I would like to cite an experience that I had when I was a freshman in college in 2000. I went to a large university of about 40,000 students in Tokyo, Japan, and majored in English. There were a lot of English speaking students from overseas, such as the U.S., Australia, Canada and New Zealand. I was able to practice speaking with them in English almost anywhere and anytime on campus. My English speaking skills dramatically improved after entering college, thanks to the international campus. Of course, a small college has an advantage in that it allows students to get closer to one another. However, I would not have been able to improve my English to such a degree if I had not attended a large university. A large university, as the above example illustrates, is clearly more international than a small college.
Additionally, a large university usually has a bigger library than a small college does. To take an example, I recall enrolling in a summer session at Ekiben College, a school of 1,000 students, when I was a senior in college. The library had only 900, 000 books, whereas my university had three million books. I was always able to find the books that I wanted to read or use for my research in my area of study, but it was almost impossible for me to find all the books that I needed at that small library in Ekiben college. Of course, the library in a small college has the advantage in that it allows for more attention from the librarians. Nevertheless, I would not have been able to locate the books that I wanted to read if I had not gone to a big library at a large university. A large university, as the above example demonstrates, usually has a bigger library than a small college does.
In conclusion, I definitely agree with the idea that a large university is better than a small college.
さて、この「模範エッセー」をダン博士が斬ると、以下のようになります。ここでは編集過程を合わせて表示していますが、編集後の状態は後に掲載しています。
"[LD数字]"の部分については、ダン博士からのコメントがあります。最近のブラウザでご覧になっている場合は、その上にマウスカーソルを置くと、そのコメントがポップアップします。
I strongly agree with the [LD1]opinion
that a large university is better than a small college[LD2]. Why? Firstly, large
universities are more likely to include the benefits of greater
cultural diversity. And secondly, large universities are more likely
to have more funds for resources such as
larger, better-stocked libraries. [LD3]
The major reason for my belief is thatBecause
a large university is more international [LD4]is
more culturally diversethan a small college, it
often offers greater opportunities for
learning about different languages
and cultures. To make it clear, I would like to cite an
experience that I had when I was a freshman in college in 2000 For
example, in 2000, I was accepted to . I
went to a large university of about 40,000 students in Tokyo, Japan,
and majored in English. There were a lot of English-speaking
students from overseas, from
countries such [LD5]as
the U.S.United States,
Australia, Canada and New Zealand. I was able to practice speaking with them in
English almost anywhere and anytime on campus. My English-speaking
skills dramatically improved after entering college, thanks to the
international campusthis culturally diverse
campus and its many international student-speakers of English. Of course, a small college has an advantage
in that it allows students to get closer to one another. [LD6]However, I would not have been able to
improve my English to such a degree if I had not attended a large university. A
large university, as the above example illustrates, is clearly more international
culturally diverse than a small
college.[LD7]
Additionally, a large university usually has a bigger
library than a small college does. To take an exampleFor [LD8]example,
I recall enrolling in a summer session at Ekiben College, a school of 1,000
students, when I was a senior in college. The library had only 900, 000 books,
whereas my large university in Tokyo had
three million books. At [LD9]my own
university library, I was always able to find the books that I
wanted to read or use for my research in [LD10]my
area of study, but it was almost impossible for me to find all the
books that I needed at that [LD11]small
library in Ekiben Ccollege. Of course, the library in a small college
has the advantage in that it allows for more attention from the librarians.[LD12]
Nevertheless, I would not have been able to locate the books that I wanted to
read if I had not gone to a big library at a large university. A large
university, as the above example demonstrates, usually has a bigger library
than a small college does.
In conclusion, I definitely agree with the idea that a large university is better than a small college[LD13]. In my own experience, large universities offer more cultural diversity and hence opportunites for learning and cultural enrichment. They also offer better resources, such as larger, more complete libraries. In the case of universities and colleges, bigger is definitely better!
[LD1]This is redundant and wordy; it doesn't add to the meaning.
[LD2]Why? For what reason(s)? You cannot have a one-sentence paragraph in English, except in rare cases where the writer intends dramatic emphasis (this topic is hardly dramatic). Therefore, you should list your reasons briefly in theintroductory paragraph, and then expand on them in the following paragraphs.
[LD3]In an introductory paragraph, we include at least a short statement of what we are going to discuss in the supporting paragraphs.
[LD4]More international? What does that mean? This is not English phrasing, as how does one measure "international"?
[LD5]This sentence just does not make sense in English because "overseas" does not have an equal meaning with "countries"; therefore, I added "from countries."
[LD6]This sentence does not belong here. In this paragraph, we are talking about cultural diversity, not personal bonding. What you need is an example of how such opportunities do NOT exist at small colleges.
[LD7]These two sentences cannot prove the argument without including a better example of the cultural drawbacks of small colleges. You have to give proof on small colleges too.
[LD8]"To take an example" is not an English phrase.
[LD9] I added these words because it is not crystal clear which university you are referring to.
[LD10]These deleted words are redundant; not needed for understanding.
[LD11]These deleted words are redundant; not needed for understanding.
[LD12]Again, this sentence doesn't really belong here; you began the essay with the premise that large universities were better than small colleges and you were going to focus on the positives of the large universities. If you want to show some advantages/disadvantages of one or both, you need to state this purpose in the introductory paragraph.
[LD13]Again, only in rare circumstances does an English paragraph have only one sentence. You need to briefly restate the reasons for your beliefs as I have done in the following sentences.
いかがだったでしょうか？納得して頂けましたか？
オリジナルのエッセーは、（TOEFLで）「日本人が書くことを想定として高得点が獲得できる」ことを狙ったものであることは明記されています。ダン博士はそのような仮定をおかず、プロ・レベルで、いわば手加減なしの校正をしているので、目的にずれがあるのは事実です。
しかし、そこは譲るにしても、英語の初歩的な誤り（"international", "to take an example", など）がいくつも見られる上、段落構成上の不備もあることは、やはり問題ではないでしょうか？
最後に、ダン博士による校正を経た「模範エッセー」をお見せします。
I strongly agree that a large university is better than a small college. Why? Firstly, large universities are more likely to include the benefits of greater cultural diversity. And secondly, large universities are more likely to have more funds for resources such as larger, better-stocked libraries.
Because a large university is more culturally diversethan a small college, it often offers greater opportunities for learning about different languages and cultures.For example, in 2000, I was accepted to a large university of about 40,000 students in Tokyo, Japan, and majored in English. There were a lot of English-speaking students from overseas, from countries such as the United States, Australia, Canada and New Zealand. I was able to practice speaking with them in English almost anywhere and anytime on campus. My English-speaking skills dramatically improved after entering college, thanks to this culturally diverse campus and its many international student-speakers of English. Of course, a small college has an advantage in that it allows students to get closer to one another. However, I would not have been able to improve my English to such a degree if I had not attended a large university. A large university, as the above example illustrates, is clearly more culturally diverse than a small college.
Additionally, a large university usually has a bigger library than a small college does. For example, I recall enrolling in a summer session at Ekiben College, a school of 1,000 students, when I was a senior in college. The library had only 900, 000 books, whereas my large university in Tokyo had three million books. At my own university library, I was always able to find the books that I wanted to read or use for my research, but it was almost impossible for me to find all the books that I needed at Ekiben College. Of course, the library in a small college has the advantage in that it allows for more attention from the librarians. Nevertheless, I would not have been able to locate the books that I wanted to read if I had not gone to a big library at a large university. A large university, as the above example demonstrates, usually has a bigger library than a small college does.
In conclusion, I definitely agree with the idea that a large university is better than a small college. In my own experience, large universities offer more cultural diversity and hence opportunites for learning and cultural enrichment. They also offer better resources, such as larger, more complete libraries. In the case of universities and colleges, bigger is definitely better!